[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Hit me in the face with a bird
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Ain’t no way
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end