What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.