Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.