Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Poetry is my passion
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”