Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
You Might Also Like
🛁
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito