If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“You’d better run, egg!”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw