What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Jogging has never helped my memory.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
How to make infinite energy.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?