2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
#Caturday
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You learn something every day
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
iPhone X
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Somebody call the cops.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what