cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Nigella has gone too far this time.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.