If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.