First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
me opening up to someone
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)