Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.