Ladies, why y’all do this?
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok