INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
You can’t outrun your problems…
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.