Warm pools make me nervous.
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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.