Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry