me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂