I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You Might Also Like
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
what’s the point then??
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.