My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]