Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
You Might Also Like
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
181.
💯😂
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?