The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
You Might Also Like
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge