*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.