The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”