[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m good, thanks.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Owl Sanctuary
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out