*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m already scared
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Am I having a stroke?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
at ease…shoulder.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.