Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
President The Rock Obama
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me, in DM rooms…
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”