I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.