My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
You Might Also Like
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
They’re the worst 😩
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
What’s a Messi?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
cry laughing at this shit
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.