I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think