[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman