“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you