having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Banana is the quietest snack
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
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