The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Bobby pin
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”