My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough