When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency