Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work