Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
This probably isn’t good
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.