we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.