Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.