Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sticker placement is key.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?