Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.