No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
One of the best
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..