An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Tell the colonel to bring it
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.