Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Every haunted house movie:
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.