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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’m having an out of money experience.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”