The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)