Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.