I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise