2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????