a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
You Might Also Like
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.